I was in a serious relationship, or so I thought, for about 4.5 years. During this time I was also diagnosed with a bunch of autoimmune diseases. Although it didn’t work out, I still have hope that there is someone out there who will love me no matter what. In sickness and in health, he will mean it and prove that he means it. I don’t think I would’ve ever understood what that truly meant if things didn’t happen the way that they did. So for that, I am grateful.
In this last year I have gone on dates, but I kind of put dating on hold (mentally) at the same time. I felt unloveable, unworthy and flat out dumb for expecting someone to try to understand what I am going through and will continue to go through for the rest of my life and love me despite all of it. Because I’ve actually had people who made me feel that way. I know you have a choice whether to let things bother you or not, but I don’t know how you can’t feel bad if someone is literally telling you you won’t be loved because you’re sick. Going through what I went through a year ago has taught me so much about what true love is, what patience is, what kindness is, and what selflessness is. It’s not easy to find, but it’s worth waiting for.
You have to love yourself first. You can’t feel sorry for yourself, you can’t blame other people for what you have, you have to learn to accept it because, well, there really is no other choice.
You have to understand your own fears.
I am too sick.
I have too many problems.
No one wants to sit in an infusion center with me every three weeks.
I am no fun.
I am annoying for asking someone for help.
I don’t know if I will be able to have kids one day.
No one likes a sick girl.
They would rather be out having fun instead of sitting home with me on my bad days.
All of my scars are unattractive.
There is nothing sexy about a chronic illness.
These are a few of the things that went through my mind and prevented me from ever attempting to make a meaningful connection. I need to stop thinking like that and blaming myself. It is not my fault that I have to go through this, and no one should EVER, I repeat EVER make you feel like it is. If they do, don’t even bother. Save yourself. Run.
Sometimes I feel like I have to explain myself, but I have learned that I really don’t. It’s not exactly the sexiest thing to have scars on your chest and under your breasts, or to have scars from being stuck with needles so many times. Myasthenia gravis, arthritis, gastroparesis, and whatever you are dealing with are not the sexiest conditions, but then again, what is?
Looks and butterflies are part of every relationship, but once those fade, what really matters? Every relationship goes through it’s ups and downs, and that’s normal. But, it’s the ones who stick around during the downs that matter. And this could go for relationships and friendships.
Someone who stands by you no matter what.
Someone who appreciates everything you do.
Someone who has a sense of humor when things aren’t going as planned.
Someone who respects you.
Someone who kisses your scars, mental and physical.
Someone who loves you through your absolute worst moments.
These are the things that matter.
And someone like me, who craves all of that, would do all of those things in a heartbeat for the person they love. You will meet people who think you are too much, and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean they’re bad people or that they don’t care about you. They just don’t love you and accept everything that comes with you. Don’t settle for someone like that because I promise it will only get worse once all of those butterflies fade away.
You deserve the world even if it means giving it to yourself.